Tuesday, September 04, 2012

China Glaze Trendsetter and Second Thoughts

You might be saying to yourself:
We've been here before.  I recognize that tree.
Okay, TRUTH.  I don't have oodles of new things to share with you.  But I have this to share with you UH-GAIN.




I didn't realize I had polish on my cuticles until I took these photos, so...ugh.  And, I'm sorry.  But you know, it is what it is.  And what is it?  It's this weird, kind of gross-colored polish that is awesome.  To describe the color of China Glaze Trendsetter I'm tempted to venture into  comparisons with poo, but I won't go there, friends.  No, no.  This is an incredibly elegant swampy green with really lovely golden shimmer.  This one looks different here than in my first photos of it, but that's the different lighting conditions, I guess.  Either way I love it.  I think it looks better on me when my nails are shorter, but that's alright.  I'm still relishing the color, and I'm glad I brought this bottle to New York with me.  Three coats, by the way.  And a good, China Glaze-y formula.  

Okay, ladies.  I am having problems.  My first week of class was fine.  I am not jumping up and down about what I'm taking, but I don't seem to hate any of the classes, so we'll stick a tally in the pro column.  I went out with someone and experienced a new borough on Friday (Queens) and saw a neat museum (this one), so that was good too.  All in all I was feeling sort of okay heading into the weekend.  And then on Saturday night I get a text from my mom (they had just gotten back to Ohio from their infinity-long vacay in Scotland) that my grandmother wasn't doing well.  I was shocked by this.  I had called her not too long ago, hadn't gotten an answer, so I left a nice detailed message.  My grandmother is a busy woman for being 89.  She usually has to pencil me into a booked schedule that includes visits to the senior center and some visits from my uncles.  So I didn't think anything of it when she didn't call me back.  Honestly, I always thought that if something happened someone would CALL ME.  I am very close to my grandmother, and the thought didn't even cross my mind that I would ever be left out of any loops re:  her.  And I was wrong.  I gave her another call and got a long story about how she had been in the hospital (twice?  still not sure) but she didn't want to call me because she didn't want to bother me, etc.  Again, I was shocked.  And devastated that I wasn't there and she was alone.

So there I was, sitting in my apartment on a Saturday night, sobbing into the phone with my grandmother on the other end.  I couldn't get a grip that night.  I felt unimaginably homesick for so many reasons, and I felt unimaginably guilty for not being there for my grandmother.  And on Sunday I was so out of sorts.  I wouldn't talk to anyone.  My best friend kept trying to get ahold of me, and even my exchanges with my boyfriend were bitchy.  Finally my mom called and told me she had visited my grandmother and it wasn't as bad as my grandmother had made things sound.  This did make me feel a little better, and I called grandma on Sunday night to talk to her.  We talked for about 20 minutes about this and that, and after that conversation I felt a little bit more normal.  But still.  The cry-fest I had in the shower (I almost always get in the shower when I feel a nervous breakdown coming on) is haunting me and I haven't felt right in a couple days.  But I talked on the phone to one of my friends yesterday, and he said so many things that I felt were right on and amazing that I wrote them down on post-its and stuck them to the door to the apartment so that I'll see them when I leave every day:

pink:  don't hesitate to come home
blue:  you'll either hit your wall and feel like climbing over it, or you'll know it's enough
purple:  don't get caught up in the competition; it's pointless
orange:  this will become your element

I'm trying to look on the bright side, which is that I am actually headed back to Cleveland on Friday morning, so I feel like this:


Ben's friends are getting married and I decided I was going to do everything I could to attend that wedding.  And I will see my parents, to whom I've spoken very minimally in the past couple weeks.  And, of course, I will see my grandmother.  But I'm naturally pretty pessimistic (I don't think I got this from my mother, so I'm starting to think it actually came from my grandmother) and I can't help but think ahead to when I come back to New York and I start feeling shitty and alone all over again.  What I'm saying is that I think this might not be worth it.  My best friend has this way of talking me down off of ledges, and she said something like, "You can do this.  We all know you can do this."  But unfortunately the one person who has to know I can do this is me.  And as I told her, my drive just isn't there.  Once upon a time this was my dream, but what if my priorities have shifted as I've grown a little older?  I just don't know anymore.  And that's the hardest thing.  To not know what I want, to not have that goal that's propelling me forward...well, that's very unlike me.  

But come Friday morning I will have this:


And it'll feel so good to see him.  I am counting down the days.

24 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to read about bad news. :/ Hope your grandma will be fine and you'll be back to your 100% soon!

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  2. Trendsetter is *lovely* on you. I really need to pick it up.

    If your heart's not in it and you'd rather be home with friends and family, then do it. Life is too short to be miserable and not with your loved ones.

    Only you know what's right <3

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  3. A couple of things:

    What you're doing is difficult. Acknowledge that, and embrace it.

    Despite the fact that it's hard, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people in NYC right now doing just what you're doing. Struggling, homesick, chasing something they love. It is do-able.

    Give it a little more time. Settle in. Bring more than 10 nail polishes back with you from Cleveland! It's never going to feel like home if you don't treat it like home.

    Take the ferry to IKEA. http://www.nywatertaxi.com/tours/ikea

    Even the tiniest apartment has room for a Helmer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know it's doable. But do I want to do it?

      I know my situation isn't unique.

      I'll be giving it time. I didn't mean to imply that I'd be leaving right now. Or even at the end of this calendar year. I have absolutely...no idea.

      Delete
  4. Sorry to hear about your grandma, but you make her sound so scrappy that I'm sure she'll be just fine!

    I totally hear where you're coming from. My (recently ended, thank god) college experience involved me feeling crappy 80% of the time, and I quit a program I hated way too late. If you don't feel it's worth it, it's really probably just not worth it, but to be fair to NY, it's only been a week or two, right? I think there may be too much left to experience for you to want to leave altogether. The things you love will still be in Cleveland if you choose to go back to them, but it would be way harder to get another chance like this in NY, right? I would sleep on it, at least until I knew my feelings would never change. We're all rooting for you!

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    Replies
    1. She's definitely scrappy.

      It's been about a month in NYC. I'm doing the best I can. And like I said above, I won't be leaving for good anytime soon.

      Delete
  5. so sorry to hear about your grandma... =(( sounds like she's a strong headed woman and didn't want to worry you with her health issues!
    I totally see why you would get upset about going back to New York... so many stress factors in your life, and now this one with your grandma!! but in the end, it will all be worth it!! You will look at it differently once you stop stressing so much and once you'll get used to NY some more... I totally agree with Laura, Cleveland will always be Cleveland, but NY opportunities may not always be there!
    I wish you all the luck =)) {{hugs}}

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  6. Sorry to hear you are struggling...it's difficult what you are doing, but I think that's what makes doing it worthwhile! Also very sorry to hear about your grandma, that kind of news is enough to shake any one to their core no matter what's going on in life, especially if you are close to your Meemaw, Grams, Grammy, Nana, or other special nickname you may have for yours! (mine goes by Mamie!) Anyway, hang in there, enjoy your time at home this weekend, and when you come back, just keep putting out little roots, soon enough you'll stop feeling transplanted :)

    Until then, just remember what my boy Frankie sez:
    Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
    I want to be a part of it - New York, New York
    These vagabond shoes, are are longing to stray
    Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York

    I wanna wake up in a city that doesn't sleep
    And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

    These little town blues, are melting away
    I'll make a brand new start of it - in old New York
    If i can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
    It's up to you - New York, New York

    New York, New York
    I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps
    And find I'm a number one, top of the list
    King of the hill, a number one

    These little town blues, are melting away
    And I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
    And if i can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere

    It's up to you - New York, New York

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehe, I just call mine grandma. Sometimes I wish I had a cute nickname for her like some people, but...it just never happened.

      Your comment made me think about that awkward part in Shame where Carey Mulligan sings that song. People raved about it. I thought it was uncomfortable.

      Anyway.

      Delete
  7. Love the polish!

    let me take another spin on this, I envy you for being so curagious so study in a city that never sleeps! Sure being homesick can be killing (it took me 3 years to adjust when I moved from the Netherlands to Belgium) but now I found that my home is where I am and that you can make it your own. And being in NY is an amazing opportunity, do it not just for yourself but for those hundreds of girls dreaming of a chance like that. You must be very special for being given that opportunity ;)

    Hope your grandma gets well soon, but always remember, life takes its own course and it is not called the circle of life for nothing. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but many people wished they could make it to such a glorious age in such great health, something to be very very proud of.

    big hug

    XX

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    Replies
    1. Thank you very much. This comment was nice to read. I'll keep all of this in mind.

      Delete
  8. It is SO hard to live so far from home when illness and homesickness hit! My grandma is dealing with Alzheimer's right now; since we've been 8 hours away, she has deteriorated VERY rapidly, and I've not been around to be with her much while she still knows me. And yes, it does break my heart! All I can do is pray for her, and send all the positive thoughts her way that I can...I can definitely relate to the feeling crappy about coming back before you even go home, too. We just got back from a visit "home", and I was dreading leaving day even before we got there, too.

    Make the most of your time with them, and try not to look so far ahead...it's easier said than done, I know, but you'll feel better for it, and you'll be better able to enjoy the moments as they come instead of dreading the ones TO come. ((HUGS)) to you!

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    1. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'm actually thankful that my grandmother still has her mind about her. She remembers more stuff than I do, and details about so many things that would blow your mind.

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  9. I cry in the shower too *hugs*

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  10. Hi,.. nice article you post here, I always wondering to have time to get my nail done,.. but seem never get to it,..

    well, thanks for give new inspiration

    http://lovequotepicture.com/marriage-love-quotes-pictures.html

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am sorry for your troubles.

    To stay on your own in NYC would be a huge challenge for anyone, I am sure I couldn't do it. New Yorkers are tough! I hope you can get your dreams, whatever they are. I am pulling for you and grandma.

    You aren't all alone, we are here for you!

    When it gets hard, I sometimes look at the perfect world of my nails and that helps!

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    Replies
    1. They're tough, but many of them are very kind. I was surprised about that.

      I wish I knew what my dreams were anymore. That's the hard part.

      And you know, knowing that you guys are all here and supportive does help. Probably more than you know.

      Delete
  12. Oh dear! I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I'll just say that there comes a point when you really know, and then you act accordingly. I don't think you're there yet, but don't be afraid of it when it happens. I have no doubt you CAN do this, but you'll have to decide if you really WANT to. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

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    1. Thank you. Yeah, ability and desire are unfortunately two totally different things.

      Delete

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