A few people have asked me why I haven't posted recently, Ben and my mother included. When Ben asked I told him it was mostly because I don't have a camera (mine broke ages ago and I've been taking photos with my phone recently). But really it was because I just couldn't bring myself to. I don't know that that's ever happened before. I love writing this blog. I've still been doing my nails, I just haven't wanted to take crappy pictures or write about how sad I am. Or avoid writing about how sad I am. So of course, Ben being literally the nicest and most caring man in the world, surprised me last weekend by giving me a new camera. I am, as they say, back in business. Mechanically, anyway. Morale-wise I just don't know if I'm up to it. But I thought I would share some photos from this weekend. The pictures are all from the same day, with the exception of the last one. I'm wearing a peacoat from Old Navy (that I had to buy when I got to Cleveland; it was 77 degrees when I left New York, and it was 50 all weekend in Ohio), a dress from Urban Outfitters circa autumn 2010, Target tights, Target boots circa autumn 2011, H&M sunglasses.
Saturday was a really perfect fall day. We stopped at a park to look at the leaves.
I picked this "flower," which I'm pretty sure is actually a weed.
We went apple picking.
This is like in Lady and the Tramp, except way less gross and way less convenient. We're ridiculous.
I climbed a tree to pick an apple, but I was too short in the end.
So Ben picked it.
Then he found this apple picking machine and stood atop it triumphantly.
One of the paths through the orchard. This is my desktop now.
Carving pumpkins is one of my greatest joys in life. But it was too early to get one.
Mostly just posting this so you can sort of see my nails. I'm wearing OPI Stranger Tides sponged in a gradient with China Glaze Zombie Zest (The Walking Dead returns next Sunday, so I'm doing all I can to psyche myself up for it--something to look forward to, right?)
A Cleveland staple is Melt Bar and Grilled. I insisted we go there for lunch on Saturday and I was not disappointed. And again, you can kind of see my nails here. I had aaaaaall that food and I was still eating Ben's. And that soup was worth it.
And this is what I get to look at across the table from me. He's cute, isn't he?
This is what I saw from the plane window yesterday. That's somewhere on the west side of Cleveland.
And there are no pictures of this event, but one of my favorite moments of my trip was sitting on the couch with my mom and grandmother going through my mom's wedding album. We're starting to think about wedding plans, and it was nice to see what my mom did and hear my grandma's memories about the day. When I told my grandma I wanted calla lilies and black or navy bridesmaids gowns she said, "But that's for a classy wedding." I was like, "GRANDMA. I am a classy lady and this will be a classy affair." With an open bar.
Yesterday morning was an absolute nightmare. My flight left at 11, and Ben lives about 45 minutes away from the airport, so we left the house at around 8:20. We were both exhausted from staying up late the night before. We were both emotionally wrecked from the knowledge that I'd be gone in a matter of hours. Then we got to the airport, I checked a bag, and as I was writing down my ID information I realized I had left my cell phone at his place. And, as Kate Gosselin would say, I melted down. I was inconsolable for a few minutes. I knew if I didn't have that phone that I'd get back to New York and be completely alone. All of my emotions about leaving bubbled up to the surface, and I sat on Ben's lap by the security line, crying on him, while he tried to comfort me and tell me he'd ship the phone. But instead, I paid to move my flight back five hours so we could go get the phone. Then when I had calmed down and we were back at the car, Ben realized his wallet was gone. We had to run back to the ticketing counters where we had been sitting (read: where I had been losing my mind) to check for it. And it was there, so that was good. And then the afternoon was wonderful, because we had these blissful extra hours together. And that made saying goodbye even harder.
I've never been with anyone before that I've felt this way about. Is being away from him worth it? I don't think so anymore. I've been working hard for this doctorate my whole life, and now I find myself not wanting it. And I try to think these things through rationally. I have A LOT OF TIME to think on my own. I'm going to make it through this semester, if only halfheartedly, but what then?
But anyway, I'm back in New York for yet another dramatically shortened week (I only have class on Wednesday and Thursday), so I'm sure I'll do nothing but think about this. And thanks for reading this, if you did. I know it's a lot to dump on here all at once.
I cannot wait for the zombies.
EDITED TO ADD:
I've received a few comments and e-mails telling me to consider how I felt about this PhD before I got engaged. I feel like the implication here is that before I had this ring on my finger I was probably much more driven and that now that I'm engaged, I feel like I can give up on personal goals. This is simply untrue. I felt this way about leaving Cleveland before Ben proposed to me. And I think I would feel similarly about the doctorate even if he wasn't in the picture. There comes a time, you see, when a girl gets tired of putting literally EVERYTHING ELSE IN HER LIFE on the back burner for school. I have done it for years. And now I'm thinking that it might not be worth it. That's all. It has little to do with my marital status.
And I do appreciate the support and comments. Trust me, it warms my heart to read them. But I thought I would clear up what could possibly be a misconception.